I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
