I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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