i just had sex bonerless
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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