Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
