The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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