so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize