My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
