My liver just broke up with me...
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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