Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
