I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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