I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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