it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
