Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
