I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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