I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
