if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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