I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
