I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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