her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Randomize
