when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
