I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
