Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Boobs speak an international language.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
