dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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