I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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