My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
