Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
