Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
