i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize