Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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