I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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