New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
