shes about as inviting as chlamydia
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
