I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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