Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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