I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
