im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
