A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
