I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
