Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
