white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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