My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
please come you make the beer taste better
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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