I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
