i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
