Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
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