remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
