my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize