yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
