I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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