I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
