Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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