I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
