"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize