I bet he comes in French.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize