so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize